Dear 2015,
I really don’t know where to begin. You have been an interesting
year; a trying year. 365 days of uncertainty and stress; 8760 hours of growing
pains and tough lessons. If I were to be completely honest, I’d say that I’m
glad to see you go; that “good riddance” was in order and that I can’t wait to
bring in the New Year. But 2015, you were much more complex than that and to
end my time of reflection with merely what is listed above would just be an oversimplification
and essentially miss the mark altogether. You see, you’ve been an excellent teacher
and have made me better; for all your ups and downs, you’ve been worth it.
Jan. 2015- I started off the year voluntarily unemployed. I
left the security and comfort of a Banking position to follow my heart and
calling to volunteer for my local church. My job search took longer than
anticipated and revealed a man-made safety net of my own provision. God showed
me that I trusted more in my abilities and my previous profession as a Banker
at Wells Fargo, than I did in Him. I couldn’t fully submerge myself where I was
(volunteering at Newsong) because I was constantly thinking about my backup
plan; my safety net, which was Wells Fargo. I knew that I had 6 months to
change my mind and come back like I hadn’t missed a beat. It wasn’t until I
asked for forgiveness and mentally let go of the possibility of returning that
another door opened. I was offered a part time position at Newsong.
Feb. – June, 2015- During the first part of the year, things
were tight financially. We had to be very intentional about how we managed our
money. New reports continued to come in as Black Lives were being gunned down
in the streets by Police Officers sworn to protect us. The onset started well
before you, 2015 but the frequency and awareness was increasing, and we had to
have constant meaningful conversations about how we’d respond in hostile
situations. As stressful as it was for me, on top of all of this, my wife was
dealing with her own issues. She was working for a boss who didn’t value her
and was verbally abusive to his team. It made her hate her job and began to
make her doubt herself. She’d come home from working 12 hour days, mentally
exhausted and beaten down. It began to take its toll on our marriage.
Communication was either miscued or tart, lacking the compassion and empathy
needed to truly break through the sludge we were dealing with. It got to a
point where it was too much for her to carry and something had to give; which
happened to be her health. At that point, I was fully emerged in working for
the Church and being involved in our Small Group P3. It was clear that she
needed more from me, so I took few Sundays off for us to regroup.
June 17, 2015- Then Charleston happen.
I didn’t sleep that Wednesday night I found out. My mind was
racing. I was angry. I was baffled. I wanted to do something; anything… I went to Christ Our Redeemer
AME church in Irvine, CA the next morning to see what I could do to support. I
waited outside before the office was open and was met there by two police
officers in Irvine, pledging their support of the church and the community. Meanwhile,
Leadership at my church (Newsong) were trying to decide what the best way to
address it. It was decided to go to Charleston. So, on a one day notice, 8 days
after the shooting we were on a plan and landing in Charleston, SC. I hadn’t
been back in the south since the family and I moved from Florida in 2014. It
was eerily familiar and yet South Carolina had its own distinct feel. You could
almost feel the oppression in the air; the humidity was thick with it. But from
the moment we stepped off the plane, I saw a city united. The sounds of old
Spirituals were ringing off the steps of the church where these 9 lives were
cut short; from every nationality in the community. The only thing you could
feel more than the legacy of oppression and the sorrow of the people there was
the overwhelming presence of hope. All the anger and darkness that I had been
festering for a week simply melted away as I witnessed banner after banner that
was raised throughout Charleston in solidarity of support of Emmanuel AME and
those who lost loved ones that horrendous night. The conversations I had those few,
brief days I will remember and cherish until my last breath.
Aug-Sept, 2015-I come back from Charleston knowing that my
heart is for the people and that a flame had been rekindled from my youth that
I had somehow let burn to mere embers. By this time, I had gotten use to the
roles I was serving in at Newsong and the door to full time employment had been
opened. More responsibilities, assignments and projects were given out and each
with its own unique challenges to overcome. Working for church has been an
amazing, eye opening experience. This year I’ve learned so much about love,
patience and perseverance and how much I needed to grow in each.
Oct. – December, 2015- The last three months of 2015 have
been a blur. It’s been one major event at work after another, each with various
levels of involvement from me: Trunk-or-Treat, Commitment Sunday, Thanksgiving,
then Christmas- Winter Wonderland light display, theMIX Christmas Party,
Christmas Sunday Christmas Eve Service and then our All Church Retreat which I’m
writing this from reflection from. It almost seems like being tired is the new
normal, since my children have absolutely no respect for personal space.
In all of this, I found out a few things that truly stand
out to me about this year:
I.)
It was
really hard being away from our family. Our entire family is on the east
coast. Before we made the pilgrimage, the furthest any of us had traveled was
from Florida to Georgia (and Bryan got a lot of slack for moving so far away!).
My kids are constantly asking and crying for their grandparents and remind us
of the home we had in Florida, with the back yard and their pets and being able
to play with their cousins. My son woke up in the middle of the night two weeks
ago bawling his eyes out because he wanted to see his Grandparents again. I
miss them, as well. We’re close and the distance has taken its toll. My
grandfather is 92 and was in and out of the hospital the last part of the year.
Both my parents are in their early 70’s and have made it clear that they won’t
be here forever. My father’s health has been deteriorating for some time now
and I recently found out that he’s basically not willing to go to the doctor to
make sure he’s OK. My in-laws are in the same shape and my wife is the only
child they have in position to help them.
II.)
California
is not an easy place to be married and raised a family. Maybe it’s because
we aren’t from here and have the perspective of living elsewhere but it seems
really hard to live and build yourself up here if you aren’t single or affluent.
My wife and I spent countless times worried over finances with both of us working
(even when I was with WF). Housing is almost 3 times more expensive than it was
in Florida and at times, it felt like we worked just to pay rent. Also, it
literally feels like there is a principality over Southern California that has
it in for your marriage. If you aren’t constantly spiritually prepared for the
warfare that is needed to protect your marriage, it can take fatal blows
quickly. We’ve had our fair share of knocks this year and it’s by God’s Grace
and the support of people we consider West Coast family that we made it.
III.)
I
Care more about people than money. I think I’ve always known this but this
year has made it relatively plain. I’d rather my children have me than that toy
they think they want right now but will either break it in two weeks or discard
with their finite attention spans. I have no ambition to take over the world; I’ll
leave that to my mad scientist of a wife. I do desire to impact it; change it for good and leave the world
in a better condition than what I found it in. The best way I know to do that is
to stay focused, disciplined and commit myself to a life worth living for
Christ. I want to be an example for my children that they too have the ability
to drastically shift the fabric of the world around them.
I must say, I have no idea what is waiting for me around the
corner in 2016. But what I know with certainty is that I won’t be going at it
alone. I’m grateful for another day, another year to get it right and to do
something worthwhile. So, like my mother and father like to say. "It’s not
goodbye, just So Long". Well, so long 2015. It’s been significant and poignant and by the grace
of God, I’m ready for what’s next.
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